


what are your intentions

by InLust



Series: we might as well be together [5]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Angry Sex, Angst, Character Study, Clothed Sex, DC crossover, F/F, Friends With Benefits, Friends With Benefits To Lovers, Jealous sex, Locker Room Sex, Miscommunication, Office Sex, Relationship Development, Slow Burn, Strife - Freeform, accidental admissions of love, lucy's army uniform, lucy's charcoal suit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-10-27 04:13:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10801458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InLust/pseuds/InLust
Summary: It was a fun to push each other’s buttons because it not only brought out the best in one another. Both women met their match in one another.Only now, things have changed.And Alex is pissed.the story where these two idiots finally get together...or do they?





	1. we are only mad at ourselves

**Author's Note:**

> so this is the final installment of the _we might as well be together_ and i keep running into writers block because somehow i dont know the formula for how friends with benefits works 
> 
> simply: it either does or it doesn't and with how alex and lucy are going i can honestly say i'm not sure how this is going to go BUT just know that they do really care about each other even though alex is total shit at showing it and lucy isn't all that better
> 
> i really want them to work out tho...

Alex doesn’t get mad at Lucy. Of course, at times she gets mad, but not mad mad. It’s more of a frustration-- _a teeth clenching, toe curling, gasping for breath_ \--kind of **frustration**. Alex enjoys that kind of frustration with Lucy. 

It’s become a sort of dance between them. One where instead of taking steps, they push buttons. And over the year they’ve worked intimately together, they know which buttons to press. It was a fun to push each other’s buttons because it not only brought out the best in one another. Both women met their match in one another.

Only now, things have changed. 

And Alex is _pissed_. 

She doesn’t even know where to begin. All she knows is that she’s pissed at Lucy and there’s nothing she can or _wants_ to do about it.

The briefing room has always been a neutral zone for Alex and Lucy. It’s the one place in the DEO where the two of them can remain a professional distance from one another. 

Alex stares down the conference table as Lucy stands in the front of the room presenting her updates from her recon missions. 

Lucy stands in her dress uniform, hat sitting on the table, blazer open casually. The benefit of her army status was that Lucy served as a liaison for the DEO to keep up with other governmental agencies to see if there were threats to the DEO’s mission. After the debacle with her father’s battalion, Lucy was more than willing to step up to the plate.

“Trouble in paradise?” Vasquez whispers to Alex. 

Alex tears her attention away from whatever Lucy was saying and shoots Vasquez a look. “What’re you talking about?” she raspily whispers back, finally at the tail end of her cold.

The agent just shoots her a knowing look before jerking her head down the table towards Lucy. “Your eyes could burn holes into her uniform,” she wiggles her eyebrows. Alex scoffs and rolls her eyes. “What’s wrong? Not enough time with your boo?” 

Vasquez is the reason why Alex and Lucy have relocated their sexcapades outside of work. Then again, their sexcapades are the reason why Alex and Lucy can’t spar at the DEO anymore. Alex will contest it is _Lucy’s fault_ entirely. 

“Shut up,” Alex hisses. “There’s nothing wrong. There is _nothing_ going on.” 

Vasquez raises her eyebrows as if Alex could fool her. 

“Seriously---”

“ **Agent Danvers**.” 

Alex and Vasquez snap their attention to the front of the room, where everyone’s attention has turned to them.

Lucy is at the helm, arms crossed, eyebrows raised. “Is my update boring you?” she asks sharply. 

Vasquez discreetly leans back in her seat, leaving Alex unobstructed from Lucy’s stare. 

Alex curses the agent beside her before responds curtly. “No, ma’am,” she throws back cheekily. “Please continue.” 

Lucy gives one last look before she lets it drop. 

Alex is glad that it doesn’t go any further. She doesn’t have much else she wants to say to Lucy. She doesn’t even want to interact with Lucy. 

It bugs her that on any other day, she’d feel a bit of a thrill talking back to Lucy at the DEO. It was part of their dance. Now, Alex just feels annoyed. 

\---------------

Alex is working in her lab identifying tissue samples from the latest crime scene, when she hears a knock. 

She glances up from her microscope and sees Lucy wearing her tactical uniform now. She ignores the woman’s presence, no matter how well the uniform hugs her small lithe body. Alex has seen it plenty of times and right now, she can do without the distraction. 

“Talking in the back of class is very unlike you Danvers,” Lucy chirps cutely as she sidles up next to Alex. 

Alex clenches her jaw. 

After almost two weeks of _zero_ contact, getting through her cold (nearly going crazy after being forced on vacation for a full week), Lucy is back from whatever she was doing, visiting embassies, going on conferences, gathering intel. _**Whatever**_. 

“Have something you need to say to me?” Lucy asks, still playful as if she hadn’t just left Alex.

Not that it mattered. They weren’t dating and they weren’t obligated to tell each other what they were up to. Alex doesn’t need to know where Lucy’s been so she can stop worrying about whether or not she’ll come back. Of course, Lucy will come back.

_...Unless Alex asks her to.  _

“Hey, are you okay?” Lucy gently caresses her bicep carefully.

Alex shirks away from the touch. She realizes that maybe that was a little aggressive and acts as if she’s reaching for a file across the table suddenly instead. 

“I’m fine, j-just have to catch up on some work,” Alex lies blatantly. She shuffles through the folder, looking at the report for emphasis. “You know being sick and all, I’m kind of behind.”

“I hear you’re feeling better,” Lucy smiles gently as she tips her head to meet Alex’s eyes. “Still got that little stuffy nose?”

Alex nods, keeping her eyes glued on the file, not reading any of the words. She’s completely distracted by Lucy’s presence because she feels warm inside now that she’s here. There isn’t a longing pull in her chest as if she’s missing something. 

It bothers her so much because Lucy wasn’t there. 

Alex has long since learned how to be by herself, take care of herself, and rely on herself. She doesn’t need anyone else there. 

“I was thinking,” Lucy shifts just a bit closer, glancing out of the windows for any prying eyes, “maybe later, I could stop by?” 

Alex sucks in a breath because that’s all she wants to hear. But she doesn’t trust it. So she does what she does best. She stands up quickly, picking up another folder. “I don’t know, I still have a lot of work to do,” she lies, stepping away to organize herself. “I don’t know when I’ll be back.” 

Alex doesn’t wait for a response, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. She skirts around Lucy with the files in her hands and flies out of the room. 

No matter what her heart is telling her, Alex is going to stay as far away as she can from Lucy. 


	2. we want the same thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> after what feels like forever lucy and alex are in the same room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you going to be mad at the end of this chapter? maybe i dont know this is why i have trust issues 
> 
> hell this is why my characters have trust issues
> 
> tell me about it yo

Lucy doesn’t know what _she’s_ done wrong or what’s happened with Alex. 

Just a few weeks ago, they were spending weekends together, emptying boxes and bringing out furniture from storage for Alex’s apartment. They’d go shopping together, eat together, and have wild mindless sex until they passed out. 

Lucy thought things were changing between them. She was hoping that _maybe_ they were getting closer and becoming something **more** than just fuck buddies. 

She hates herself for hoping because she knows that never turns out well. Because hoping has always led to disappointment in Lucy’s life. 

At least with Alex, she had something a little more than hope. She at least _believed_ that Alex **liked** her.

Now, the woman won’t even look her in the eyes, won’t stand near her at the command, and won’t even be in the same room alone with her. 

It hurts a hell of a lot more than disappointment. 

It feels like Lucy has lost Alex. 

A year ago, she was a different person. She was the romantic that believed if she tried hard enough to chase after what she really wanted, she’d be able to get it. It failed miserably when she moved to National City for James. 

Part of her regrets it, but part of her couldn’t be happier because she learned that even without him, she was still _Lucy Lane_. She was a badass lawyer with medals and honors to prove it. It just reminded Lucy that maybe _being with someone_ wasn’t her forte. And that _maybe_ , she would always be second place to someone else. 

It never felt that way with Alex because she’s grown up since joining the DEO. She can read Alex like a book. Alex is a protector, a defender. Everything she does is for the people she loves, especially Kara. Lucy admires Alex so much for that because she sees Alex as a headstrong, intelligent, beautiful woman. She wants Alex to be who she is without any inhibitions. It inspired Lucy to be herself without any inhibitions.

She thought she could finally feel like herself again _with Alex_. 

She _wants_ Alex. 

Somewhere down the line, she thought Alex wanted her too. 

Lucy’s going over paperwork for J’onn when she hears familiar footsteps towards her office. It’s late in the night and she’s sure that the overnight staff are clocking in soon. 

Alex appears in the doorway, eyes glued to the file in her hands like they’ve been all week. She looks up and sees Lucy. “Sorry, didn’t know you were here,” she says unenthusiastically. She bites her lip, closing the file. 

Lucy tries not to let it sting because clearly Alex is avoiding her. And she’s decided to give Alex some space. 

She shakes her head. “No, it’s fine,” _even though it’s not_. “Did you need something?” 

Alex holds up the file. “I just wanted to drop this off. I need it for approval first thing in the morning.”

“Oh.” Lucy tries not to sound disappointed. Then again what was she hoping for? That Alex knew she was there late and they’d actually have a chance to talk to each other? That’s way too hopeful. She should’ve known Alex would be doing this purposefully, staying late in the night to approve reports for Lucy because Lucy will come back the next morning with records signed off by Alex. 

Alex was taking steps to avoid her to a whole new level. 

Lucy raises her hand. “I can take that file,” she says trying to sound professional because that’s how Alex wants to play it. 

Alex looks hesitant and Lucy almost wants to roll her eyes at the woman. Lucy isn’t the one actively avoiding anyone. It takes a moment before Alex walks into her office and hands Lucy the file. 

Lucy takes it, still glancing to meet Alex’s eyes. “Thank you,” she says softly. Alex is about to turn away when Lucy adds, “It’ll just take a second for me to look over. Unless you need to go?” 

Alex doesn’t say anything. She just nods and stands before her, hands behind her back. Lucy can feel Alex’s eyes on her and when she glances up, Alex zeroes in on the file instead. 

Lucy feels her heart tighten as Alex stands there because this is the first time all week they’ve been alone. It feels like a bomb is about to drop and Lucy doesn’t know how to diffuse it. All Lucy can think about is the fact that Alex is there and she’s mad at her and she still doesn’t know why. When she tries to talk, Alex just ignores her completely. 

Lucy was hoping it’d take a minute to look over the documents, but there’s a smudge of ink from Alex’s writing and she can’t make heads or tails of it. 

“Sorry,” she doesn’t even know what she’s sorry for. “There’s a little smudge here...can you?”

Alex looks over the desk to see where Lucy is pointing and just as Lucy holds up the folder, Alex makes her way around the table with a frustrated sigh. 

Suddenly, Alex is at her side, pushing down the file so that she can see where Lucy is pointing. The office suddenly feels tiny as every little bit of Alex fills Lucy’s senses. There’s a little sigh of frustration as Alex mutters something about _stupid gel ink_. She stares at Alex for the first time all week, soaking in her presence. 

Alex reaches across Lucy’s desk for the white out tape and bumps Lucy slightly because of her left hand. She mutters an apology before she whites out the smudge bit and takes the pen right out of Lucy’s hand. 

Lucy feels the warmth of Alex’s hand briefly and looks up at Alex’s concentrated face as she fixes the report. Her reddish brown locks fall from behind her ear and without thinking, Lucy reaches up and pushes it back, tucking it gently behind her ear before caressing her sharp jawline. 

The pen stops scratching and Lucy is acutely aware that Alex has tensed. Lucy doesn’t drop her hand, feeling Alex’s tight jaw underneath her thumb. 

She expects Alex to do what she’s been doing all week, flinch and jump back as if Lucy is a leper. Instead, Alex turns her head to face Lucy, staring deeply into her eyes. 

Lucy feels bare under Alex’s gaze. “Alex--” She begins apologizing for the affection but she’d have to mean it. She bites her lip and stares as Alex’s eyes trail down to watch. Her body feels hot underneath the DEO uniform. 

She drops her hand because she’s just starting to convince herself that Alex clearly doesn’t want anything to do with her. That she doesn’t want Lucy as much as Lucy wants her. 

Suddenly all of her thoughts are thrown out the window because Alex’s lips are on hers and Lucy’s senses are overloaded with Alex. Alex’s hand finds it way in her unzipped collar to grasp her neck possessively as she deepens the kiss. Lucy sighs, feeling like she’s been holding her breath underwater for hours, and kisses back. _This_ is what she wants and she’s finally getting it. 

Without even thinking, she throws her arms around Alex’s shoulders to pull her closer and desperately cards her fingers through the short locks. Lucy swallows a groan as she’s being pulled up from her seat by Alex. She whimpers as Alex continues to kiss her passionately, a hand slides down to her waist and starts to untuck her top. 

Alex’s hand is like fire against her skin because Lucy’s almost forgotten what her touch feels like from the cold shoulder all week. Lucy pulls Alex in closer, wanting more of her.

Alex pushes back against her, pressing her firmly against the desk. Her hands are on her waist, hoisting her onto her desk. Lucy’s legs fall open to allow Alex between them. She throws her head back as Alex brings her hips to the edge of the desk so they're pressed together and Alex’s lips are trailing down her jaw to her neck. 

Lucy tightens her grip on Alex’s hair as she lets out a guttural moan because _it’s been so long_. Whatever tension was between them felt like it was crashing down around them. Lucy feels her hips roll against Alex to relieve the pressure between her legs that she hasn’t be able to relieve herself of in almost a month. 

“Alex--please, I want--” 

Even through her broken sentences, Alex still understands Lucy. All she mutters is, “I know, _honey, I know_ ,” as her hands blindly undo Lucy’s belt. 

Lucy feels drenched because Alex has never called her anything outside of Lucy, Lane, Director, or Major. And the sweetest thing Alex says to her, for the first time after a week of radio silence, makes Lucy feel wanted. 

Lucy whines at how long it takes Alex to unzip her pants and she cups Alex’s face, pulling her into a searing kiss for encouragement. 

Alex practically growls into the kiss as she whips the belt out of the loops. Lucy gasps at the flash of heat around her waist and jerks towards Alex as her button pops open and yanks the zipper down. Alex slips her hand into Lucy’s pants underneath her drenched panties and Lucy can’t hold back the moan of feeling Alex’s fingers between her folds. 

This is what she’s familiar with, what she’s been dying for in the last month. Lucy wants to feel Alex’s hands on her body because no one has ever fucked her the way Alex has. Alex always finds a way to make her feel good, like her purpose is to make Lucy feel good. Lucy lets out a high pitched whine as Alex’s fingers tease her entrance. 

She’s quickly silenced with a kiss as Alex dips a single digit inside of her. And her hips jerk up from the desk as she moans for more. 

Alex suddenly stops kissing her that Lucy throws her arms around Alex’s shoulders to pull her in before she threatens to stop. Alex lets out a small laugh before her breath is hot at Lucy’s ear. 

“Be quiet, okay? Your door is wide open,” Alex reminds lowly as she works another finger inside Lucy. 

Lucy gasps, eyes glancing back at the door. She feels the coils in her stomach tighten as she exhales. The prospect of getting caught at this hour would turn her on any other day, but right now, she doesn’t want Alex to stop. She doesn’t want to let go of Alex. She nods quickly, exhaling slowly, focusing on not moaning aloud as Alex pumps her fingers. 

“Shit, shit, shit,” Lucy mutters softly as she throws her head back. She places a hand on her desk to prop herself up as she rolls her hips against Alex’s fingers. “ _Alex_ \---I--” Her eyes roll back as Alex presses her lips against the base of her neck. When Alex sucks gently at her neck, Lucy slams her eyes shut, burying her face in Alex’s neck to stop her from screaming. Her whole body shivers uncontrollably as Alex curls her fingers deep inside of her and pushes her over the edge. 

Lucy feels like she’s gone blind as the euphoria explodes throughout her body and she clutches Alex like a lifeline. She can’t help but let out a sob as she exhales. Alex’s scent and presence overwhelm her because for a brief moment, she feels complete. 

She comes down slowly, thighs quivering as Alex’s fingers gently thrust in and out of her, lips still gently sucking at her neck. 

Lucy breathes in shudders as Alex slowly pulls her fingers out, and her head drops onto Lucy’s shoulder. 

Before Lucy can even process how they got there, Alex exhales sharply. 

Her head imperceptibly shakes at Lucy’s shoulder and just like that it feels like the rug’s been pulled out from underneath Lucy. Alex’s hand curls into a fist against Lucy’s thigh and she shakes her head again. 

“Alex--” Lucy tries.

Alex picks up her head quickly, eyes looking anywhere but Lucy. Lucy spots the regret and feels her eyes start to sting at the tears welling in her eyes. Alex’s hair is a mess from Lucy’s hands as she turns away from her and walks around her desk. 

“Alex!” Lucy tries one more time but Alex is already out of her door, head dropped between her shoulders as if she was **ashamed**. 

Lucy’s suddenly alone in her office, pants still undone, panties ruined, smelling like Alex. If anyone should feel ashamed it should be _her_. **No**. Lucy is far from ashamed. She is more than hurt. 

_ She is pissed off. _

\---------------

Alex shoves her uniform into her bag quickly before throwing her leather jacket on. She’s shaking uncontrollably as she curses herself over and over again.

_ Stupid, stupid, stupid. _

She was getting so good at avoiding Lucy. After a whole week of pulling away, giving them the distance they need- _that Alex needed_ to refocus her thoughts on anything that wasn't Lucy, she cracked so easily.

Stupidly, storming around the desk, sure that Lucy was fucking with her about not being able to read her writing. She was wrong and she played herself.

Alex was so focused on getting out of there, she didn’t realize how close she'd gotten next to Lucy. She could smell Lucy’s perfume and feel the warmth of Lucy’s body. Then her touch, her sweet affectionate touch ruined Alex’s resolve. 

She could feel Lucy’s hot breath against her cheeks and see the way Lucy bit her lip. And she wanted Lucy so much.

It was like she craved Lucy. 

Alex rubs her face in frustration as an errant tear slips down her cheek. The swelling in her chest, the twist in her stomach every time that she was near Lucy was making it increasingly difficult for her to deny how much she felt for Lucy. She wasn’t just mad at Lucy.

She was mad at herself. 

Alex wasn’t like Kara to put her heart on her sleeve and open up to anyone. She’s not used to opening herself up to someone when she’s used to being the rock. She takes care of people not the other way around. 

It terrifies her to feel the way she does to want someone so badly that it feels like losing a part of herself. Alex feels like her world has been destabilized and if she were to choose Lucy, then something would go wrong. She has plenty of things to worry about already with Kara being Supergirl. That’s always been her focus, but now to want _more_? To want something for herself feels wrong.

Alex slams her locker shut and presses her head against the cold metal. She shudders as she beats herself over what just happened in Lucy’s office. Hearing Lucy want her so desperately and feeling herself wanting to give Lucy whatever she wanted? Makes her feel vulnerable. She lets out a sob because she doesn’t know what to do. 

A breeze fills the room and Alex intends to ignore it until she hears her name called.

"Alex?"

She looks up to the timid voice and sees Kara standing there in her pajamas, wide awake with concerned written across her face. Alex wipes her eyes quickly and tries to suppress her cries. 

Kara rushes to scoop her older sister into her arms. “Hey, are you okay?” she asks softly as she holds Alex. 

Alex feels herself crumble inside and holds on tightly to Kara. She nods stiffly. “I’m okay--can we just--can you bring me home?” 

Kara pulls back to stare into Alex’s eyes. She brushes the tears away and fixes Alex’s mussed up hair. Alex knows Kara must have a million question but she shakes her head and Kara understands. 


	3. we're both doing wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alex almost cracks and lucy leaves...again

Alex shows up to work early the next morning. She can’t sleep. Even after a shower, she can still smell Lucy on her, in her apartment, in her bed. It’s like everywhere she goes, _Lucy_ is there. 

She walks into the training room and there are a handful of agents already there. _Lucy is also there._

She’s sparring with Vasquez, wearing her tight tank top and leggings. Alex unconsciously swallows at the way her shoulder blades flex and back glisten with a thin layer of sweat. She remembers the way Lucy tastes on her tongue after long nights they’ve had in her bed. 

Even how torn she felt last night, Alex can’t deny her _physical_ attraction to Lucy. 

Alex goes to the bag instead. She’s wrapping her fists when Lucy’s voice calls to her. 

“Agent Danvers,” her voice is sharp and curt. 

It’s a stark difference from her breathless moans of Alex’s name. 

“Director Lane,” Alex addresses with minimal eye contact. 

“To the mat,” Lucy orders with a jerk of her head. There’s no playful undertone and the look in Lucy’s eyes is dark. 

Alex swallows. In the corner of her eyes, Vasquez is furtively shooting her a look as she drinks out of her water bottle. She nods and finishes wrapping her fists before slipping on her gloves. 

The air feels different as they get ready to spar. It’s usually filled with _thick sickening sexual tension_ (Vasquez’s words) but today it’s filled with pure anger. Alex can feel it in the way Lucy keeps her eyes deeply focused on the actually sparring. Underneath it, Alex spots the hurt in Lucy’s green eyes and she can’t help but feel a pang of guilt. 

Lucy rounds Alex with her fists up. Alex mirrors her and moves in tandem with the director. She doesn’t want to fight Lucy really, but the way she looks is how Alex has been feeling all week. Angry. Upset. _Fucking_ **hurt**. 

**Jab**. _Dodge_. **Jab**. _Dodge_.

If anyone should feel hurt it’s _**her** _ right? 

Alex didn’t ask for this. She didn’t ask to start falling in love with Lucy. She didn’t ask to feel so empty without Lucy. It’s _Lucy’s fault_ for making her feel this way. 

Lucy feints and suddenly Alex’s head is knocked to the side. 

Alex feels like she deserved that one. 

“Do you make it a habit?” Lucy mutters breathlessly as she dances around Alex.

So much for not talking. “What?” Alex shoots back as she glances at Lucy’s footwork to figure out her next move. 

“Walking out on a girl you fucked,” Lucy grits out as she steps close to Alex for a hook. 

Alex dodges it quickly and jabs at Lucy in return. Without thinking she blurts out, “You’re one to talk about leaving.” 

“ _Excuse me_?” Lucy jabs twice. 

Alex dances around the hits and drops just enough to catch Lucy off guard and uppercut her with her southpaw. 

There’s a hiss from off the mat and Vasquez is standing there with rapt attention. 

Lucy recovers, wiping her bleeding lip with the back of her wrist. “ _Say that again_ ,” she growls. She skims forward just in range for Alex to hit again. She dodges it and drops to jab at Alex’s side. “What did _I_ ever do?” 

Alex feels the wind get knocked out of her. She laughs at Lucy unintentionally as she recoils. In her head she wonders what Lucy _didn’t_ do to make her feel this way. Alex doesn’t respond, instead she lunges for Lucy with a jab that Lucy easily dodges. She nearly trips as she passes. Her guard is completely dropped with her back to Lucy and suddenly she feels an arm around her neck. 

Lucy presses against her back, her breath hot against her ear. “Alex, you better start fucking talking,” she growls. 

Alex struggles to breath in the headlock Lucy’s got her in. She tries to pull herself out of Lucy’s grip but Lucy’s holding onto her tightly. 

“Lucy.”

J’onn appears in the training room holding onto an envelope. Lucy lets go of Alex quickly and goes to him. She strips off her gloves and tucks them under her arm like Alex has seen her do with her hat. She stands at attention in front of J'onn, who gives her a subtle smile for the habit she has yet to break.

“There’s been a spike in vigilante activity in Star City," J'onn informs, handing Lucy the envelope. "The commissioner is working with the DA to take down these masked men. There’s a legal counsel meeting this afternoon to discuss the implications of vigilantism and how to deal with these matters.”

She takes the envelope that’s holding her boarding pass. “You want me to see if this could affect Supergirl in the future,” she surmises. 

J’onn nods before dropping his voice. 

Alex looks away trying not to pry and makes her way to the bag again. Lucy’s leaving again. J’onn and Lucy discuss the topic for a few more minutes as Alex pounds at the bag.

She doesn’t realize they’re done until Lucy is right beside her, still holding the envelope from J’onn. Her eyes are burning with fury and hurt as she looks up to Alex. 

“I-I--” Lucy stutters before she exhales sharply. “I have to leave.” Her hand curls into a fist like she wants to hit Alex before shakes her head and pokes a finger at Alex’s chest. “When you’re ready to pull your head out of your _ass_ , come talk to me. I don’t like having my feeling _toyed_ with,” she threatens. Alex doesn’t get another word in as Lucy grabs her gear and heads out of the training room. 

Alex stands there in confusion. _Her feelings are being toyed with?_ Alex isn’t the one leaving constantly without another word.

“There is definitely trouble in paradise,” Vasquez quips, appearing behind Alex. 

\---------------

Lucy boards the plane going through the laundry list of things that need to get done while she’s in Star City. First and foremost, she has to text the Assistant District Attorney to let her know she’s coming. Then follows the itinerary J’onn has drawn up for her. Unsurprisingly, there’s very little room for pleasure when she’s going covert to find out who the vigilantes are. 

“This is a direct flight to Star City. Our estimated time of arrival will be 12:24pm EST. Please turn off all laptops and cellular devices and properly store them underneath the seat in front of you as we prepare to take off.”

Lucy sets her laptop down and pushes up the tray table before switching to her phone. She checks her phone for any last messages.

**Laurel:** _I miss you so much :* I’m so happy you’re coming back!_

She smiles at the text before typing back her response. Before she can put her phone away another text message comes in.

**Ali A:** _Hi Lucy! Just wanted to let you know we have a new shipment of button ups. They pop off ;) Let me know what patterns you like and I’ll set aside some sizes for you or Alex to come pick them up!_

There’s a tightness in her chest as she reads the second message. Her finger hover over the message and she doesn’t get to respond when the attendant asks her to put her phone away. 

Lucy feels a wave of relief as she turns her phone on airplane mode. It’s a problem for another time. At least that’s what she hopes for.

The plane start to take off and Lucy can’t help but feel something tug. So she stares out of her window to the National City skyline they’re flying over. 

It’s funny how things have changed so much in such a short period of time. Her and James broke up. Her moving to National City. Her meeting Supergirl. Her leaving the army. Her joining the DEO.

_Alex_.

Lucy shrugs to herself and letting out a breath of frustration. 

_Alex_.

She brushes her thumb over her lip. The punch from Alex earlier that morning still stings, but not as much as her words. 

_ You’re one to talk about leaving.  _

What’s **that** even supposed to mean? She crosses her arms and sinks into the seat. She simmers at the thought with her eyes glancing out the window. She doesn’t even know why she does it, but she quickly looks away as the National City skyline grows smaller and smaller. There’s something turning in her stomach as she tries to refocus herself. 

Even as she does she can’t help but feel off balanced. It’s been weeks since she’s gotten a full night of sleep. Hours she doesn’t spend interacting with ambassadors, military personnel, or other agents, she’s constantly researching and conducting investigations. When she tries to sleep, she thinks about the laundry list of things she needs to do. 

She needs a break. She needs to get away. She needs to clear her mind. 

Star City is her destination; where not only she has to do her job but Laurel is there waiting for her. It could be a good break if she makes time for it. The idea seems to be nothing more than an idea, but it’s enough to have Lucy feel relieved. 

The tugging sensation in her chest grows.

_ You’re one to talk about leaving.  _

Lucy watches as National City disappears out of sight and the relief dissipates. She keeps staring as if she still sees the skyline before her. There’s a tug in her chest that pulls her attention away from Star City and Laurel and her job. 

All she can think about is Alex. 

And as angry and frustrated and hurt she feels, she can’t stop thinking about Alex. It’s like she’s constantly in the back of her mind because of how unsettled things were when she left. Just when Lucy was so close to getting Alex to explain herself, J’onn has to show up and send her away. But she can’t just stay, Lucy knows her responsibilities. She knows what she and Alex have to do for National City, Supergirl, and the world. Even when they both felt like second place to everyone in their lives, when they looked at each other over the toasting of their whiskey filled glasses, they knew what they were capable of. 

They were great together. But Lucy is starting to feel like _they_ weren’t meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *whistles innocently* i hope you guys are okay with this chapter. i mean wow arent they just the darnedest people? anyway! feel free to keep yelling at me here or at nocteverbascio.tumblr.com im thinking i'll have time to respond because i need help getting through this one part im stuck on


	4. we can't talk like this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which alex and lucy come to some realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know i didnt introduce laurel previous but i thought i could as the story progresses what with the allusion that you never actually know where lucy is but in this you get some good alex and j'onn interaction as well as lucy and laurel

Alex feels a weight in her chest. It’s not unlike her to feel this way when she gets stressed. The way everything seems to just sit inside of her chest like a boulder she can’t move. Her whole body threatens to shut down but her mind continues to drag her body forward towards the finish line.

This, however, was different because this weight was alive inside of her. It was an active reminder that twisted and coiled inside of her, keeping her up at night. She can feel it gnawing at her conscience. She can feel it pull at her heart.

Every time she shut her eyes all she can picture is the way Lucy looked at her.

Lucy has looked furious before. She’s looked disappointed. She’s looked hurt before.

It isn’t new to Alex with how often they’ve talked to one another. There have been nights after a long day that Lucy’s sits at the bar on her own, staring down an empty glass until Alex slides into the seat next to her offering to refill it. They’d talk about something stupid, like the weather maybe, before Lucy would eventually admit what’s really wrong.

Alex would always listen. She knows exactly how Lucy feels about moving to National City and James and then subsequently joining the DEO and what it’s done to her and her father’s relationship.

Most nights they’d end up in bed together out of pure unadulterated fun, but on other nights, through misty eyes or quiet demands, they’d fall into bed trying to push each other to make it to tomorrow.

All she can remember is the way Lucy looked at her with such anger and hurt because of what  _ she’s _ done.

Alex wants to argue that it’s not her fault. It’s not her fault that she has these feelings and everything suddenly feels off.  _ It’s Lucy’s fault _ . Lucy was the one that made her feel this way.

It’s all  _ Lucy’s _ fault that Alex feels her life changing.

Alex finally goes home after a full day of work  _ willingly _ . She doesn’t hide in the lab at the DEO trying to solve a problem that can wait until tomorrow. When her body aches, she remembers to make an extra effort to do yoga and soak in a warm bath at the end of the day. When she’s hungry, she has a fully stocked fridge waiting for her to brush up on her culinary skills. When she falls into bed, she can rest feeling like she’s  _ home _ .

And for the life of her, she can’t forget the morning Lucy slept over because Alex remembers the fullness in her heart as she held Lucy in her arms.

That’s all she wants.  _ She wants Lucy. _

“Alex?”

Alex looks up from the microscope to see J’onn entering her lab with a stack of files. She scrunches her face because he knows full well what she thinks of paperwork and  _ where they can stick it. _

There’s a sympathetic smile as he walks over to her. “I have a few things I want you to look into this week.” He places the stack on her desk.

Alex nods diligently at the 6 inch stack. “What did you need me to do?” she asks as she opens up a file to see a picture of a mace noted Thanagar. Her eyes widen.

“We’ve fallen a bit behind on approving these for the research department, so I need your help while Director Lane is off site,” J’onn says.

Alex tries to ignore the way her chest tightens at the mere mention of Lucy.  _ So, I’m doing Lucy’s paperwork while she’s off doing whatever it is she does? _

J’onn smiles at her like he heard her and Alex feels her face warm at the realization. “You’re one of my top agents in the DEO right now. If anything were to happen to Lucy or myself, you are next in command,” he reminds gently.

Alex feels something in her chest swell at the reminder. J’onn and Lucy had been working so well as directors, she hadn’t broached that subject of where she stood in such a long time. Lucy cemented her presence the minute she took a bullet for Alex.

“I understand that Lucy’s been absent fairly frequently, but with growing reports of alien sightings and technology-weapons usage, she’s become an active role in maintaining our cover and covertly gathering intel.” Alex nods sheepishly because she knows that already. J’onn never needs to leave National City anymore, giving him full reins of operations with Supergirl. “I’m sure that Lucy would very much like to stay in National City if she could.”

Alex holds back a scoff.

J’onn taps at the files on her desk thoughtfully. “Trust me, I’ve been running all over Earth for over 300 years and I’ve only recently have found a reason to stop.”

“J’onn....” Alex sympathetically begins.

He smiles at her. “We have a family here. And we always come back to the people we love.”

Alex thinks of Lucy.

It becomes apparent that the pull in her chest is because of how much she wants Lucy. But the weight in her chest is what stops her because that there are so many people that Alex loves and cares about.

The root of her frustration comes from watching Lucy leave, but Alex knows that letting her go is her own fault. It’s her fault for being in this situation because even if she wanted to do something about her feelings for Lucy, she can’t.

\---------------

“When I got your text, I should’ve known you’d be here for business.”

Lucy smirks into her glass of wine as she stares across the table to the blonde woman in front of her. “Not much time for anything else,” Lucy honestly says.

Laurel scoffs as she pours herself another glass of wine. “I knew when we were in law school you were all business,” she sits back with her full glass and mirth in her eyes, “but you always made time for pleasure.”

Lucy doesn’t bat an eyelash as she feels Laurel’s heel caressing the inside of her leg. She bites her lip as Laurel stares playfully and almost daringly at her.

“I recall all of those times,” Lucy says as she makes no move to stop Laurel’s foot. She doesn’t exactly encourage Laurel to continue either. They both have history, they know that. It’s not uncommon for them to fall into bed with each other when they’re available.

Laurel is currently available.

_ Lucy _ is currently available.

Laurel makes a sound as she sits up in her seat. Her foot was no longer flirting against Lucy’s leg. She takes a long drink before setting her glass down on the table. “So tell me,” Laurel has a glint in her eyes as she settles her chin on her clasped hands, leaning into the table comfortably, “who is it?”

“Who is--”

“Don’t lie to me,” Laurel interjects quickly with a wiggle of her eyebrows. “You’ve been sleeping with someone.”

Lucy furrows her brows. “What makes you think I’m sleeping with someone?”

“You’ve been flirting with me all night but not really,” Laurel points out as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “It’s like you are trying really hard to make it seem like nothing’s changed when clearly something has. You have this weird faraway look on your face like you did when you first started getting to know Jimmy. And you have a hickey on your neck.”

Lucy unconsciously reaches to cover the spot where she remembers putting on concealer.

Laurel laughs at this. “You think I wouldn’t recognize concealer on your skin? How long were we together?”

“How long  _ were _ we together?” Lucy mocks petulantly, trying to hide her embarrassment. It makes her mad at Alex, leaving a mark on her like that.

“Ouch,  _ Lulu _ , you hurt my feelings,” Laurel croons playfully nevertheless. Lucy glares at the nickname making her laugh. “Talk to me. Who are you hung up over?”

Lucy gnaws at the inside of her cheek before polishing off her glass of wine. Despite all of her time in National City, she realizes it’s rare of her to talk to someone that isn’t part of the DEO. It’s like she has this whole other life that no one knows about and sometimes it weighs on her not being able to talk to someone about it.

She stares at Laurel, who patiently waits. She smiles sardonically because Laurel’s probably her only ex that’s stayed her friend.

“Her name is Alex Danvers,” Lucy admits. The minute she says Alex’s name her heart doesn’t tighten. In fact, it does the opposite and she has this giddy feeling as she keeps talking. “She’s a bio-medical engineer with a mean left hook.”

Laurel looks intrigued. “That explains your lip.”

“What makes you think  _ she _ gave it to me?” Lucy throws back.

“You keep touching it with this goofy look on your face.”

Lucy realizes that her thumb has been grazing the cut on her lip and instantly puts her hand down. “Shut up,” she grumbles.

“I’m not saying anything. It was just an observation.” There’s a knowing look on Laurel’s face that Lucy rolls her eyes at. “Come on, where did you guys meet?”

“At work,” Lucy answers vaguely. “She’s a consultant.”

“When did you guys meet?”

“Sixteen months ago in a week.”

“How long have you guys been a thing?”

“We are not a thing,” Lucy scoffs at quickly. She doesn’t even realize how fast she does it because of how often she has to remind herself. “We’re just sleeping together.”

“ _ Mm _ . How long have you been sleeping together?”

“Six months off and on.”

“Whose place?”

“Mostly hers, once at mine.”

“Have you slept over?”

“A couple of times.”

“Have you made breakfast for her?”

“No, you know cooking isn't my forte.”

“Hahaha, you're right. Has she made breakfast for you?”

“Once.”

“And how long have you’ve been in love with her?”

“Three months.”

Everything suddenly stops. Lucy sits there with a shocked look on her face. She’d been completely blindsided by Laurel’s questions-- **_cross examination_ ** . Meanwhile Laurel sits there with an excited look like she’d just won a case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so im hoping by the end of summer (which is a tall undertaking considering im always writing a couple stories at a time) i will be able to post the rest of this series -- and maybe some specials since i mention some stuff that happens but i dont add it in this because it doesn't necessarily fit this angsty kind of processing how to get into a relationship between the two anyway as per usual i hope you enjoyed the chapter and drop me a line in the comments or at my tumblr!


	5. we all know now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kara's worried about her sister and just wants to find out why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there was a post way back yonder like s1 when people pointed out alex's button ups all being on point and one of the headcanons was that alex got them from a boutique that she frequents and they all love her to pieces - so i wanted to added that 
> 
> also it's going to be a bit before alex/lucy come back together but there's a lot of important conversations they need to have because they cant discuss it with each other just yet and it'll all come together...i hope - and i feel like kara's perspective on things alex is always important so this kind of needed to be added

Kara knows something is wrong with her sister. Alex is _terrible_ at lying and hiding things from her (barring the DEO) after holding it in for so long. Kara suspects that whatever’s been going on with Alex, it is long overdue for a conversation.

Kara just wants the truth from Alex.

She knows her big sister puts the weight of the world on her shoulders. There has never been a time that Kara felt like Alex was unreliable or out of touch. She sacrificed a lot for Kara to live on Earth, including leaving medical school and joining the DEO.

So when she hears Alex crying in the middle of the night, she goes to her immediately. The weight of the world becomes too much and in those brief moments Kara feels like she can do something for Alex.

Being Supergirl, Kara always wishes she could do more for Alex, but she finds that the simplest things are more than enough for Alex. She goes over everyday, making sure Alex is eating dinner, sleeping well, and isn’t bored. They play board games with Winn and James, have a movie night, catch up on _Shameless_ , and eat tons of ice cream. 

Yet, there’s always a faraway look on Alex’s face like she’s thinking of someone. 

Kara’s suspected that someone was important because there’s been a shift in Alex for months now. 

Spending less hours at work. Randomly canceling tv show nights because of too much work. Getting drinks with the team or her college buddies. Not to mention those poorly hidden hickeys on her neck with stupid excuses like “I burned myself straightening my hair,” “I got into a fight with a trainee,” “an alien bit me.” Not to mention, finally furnishing her apartment **without** Kara’s help.

What throws her the most is Alex’s scent the night she picked her up at the DEO. Kara knows it’s intrusive, terribly _terribly_ intrusive of her senses to pick up on Alex’s scents. The one time in high school Kara mentioned Alex smelling funny, Alex slept in the attic out of sheer embarrassment for a month (Eliza had to give both of them the _sex talk_ ). When she went to college, it was helpful to know whenever Alex had someone over. 

Alex has been having someone over a lot recently. Because their scent is becoming imbued all over Alex’s apartment. For the record, while she is mortified at the thought, Kara is also comforted that Alex has someone. Or in this case _**had**_. 

She’s seen her sister go through breakups before and every time Alex leaves them like a warrior. But each time it’s happened, Alex grows sadder and hopeless. Maybe that’s why she’s never mentioned it to Kara before because she’s afraid of losing this person. 

Kara thinks of this person often since Alex got sick. It was the first time Kara’s slept over in Alex’s bed since she’s been acting funny and when her head hit the pillow, she was hit with a beautiful smell. It was a perfume she’d recognize before and it bugs her to no end that she can’t place it. 

For a moment, it also reminded her of James, but she immediately shut down the idea because it’s James. And _she’s_ dating James--maybe she just missed him that day especially. 

Alex probably knows Kara knows but Kara really doesn’t want to press. It’s been so long. How does she even bring it up? _Hey sis, I know you’ve been fooling around with someone. Do you want to talk about it?_ It’s also very unlike Alex to keep this a secret for so long. 

“So this is where you get all of your button ups,” Kara says as she glances through the racks of various button ups. 

Alex’s ears turn red for some reason as she looks through a rack for a specific top apparently. “Not all of us make a CatCo salary to shop at J Crew every other week, Kara,” Alex throws back playfully. 

Kara laughs at the joke. “I’m lucky I get paid what I do considering how many buttons I’ve torn off my shirts since becoming Supergirl.”

Alex picks up her head to look around the shop to make sure no one’s heard. She looks disapprovingly at Kara and Kara throws back a cheeky smile. 

“Alex!” a bright voice chirps catching their attention. 

There’s a young woman that appears with her arms full of folded flannels. Kara perks at the the casual greeting and stares with interest. 

“Hey Ali,” Alex greets coolly. 

“Where’s your girlfriend today?” Ali asks as she places the flannels on a display table nearby. “She told me to let her know when we were getting a new stock of button ups in case you forgot.” 

Alex’s cheeks turn completely red as she stands there, completely ignoring the shocked look on Kara’s face. 

_ There is a girlfriend! Or there  _ **was** _ a girlfriend! _

“A girlfriend?!” Kara blurts out. 

Ali’s eyes widen and she turns her attention to Kara before shooting an apologetic look at Alex. Then it morphs into a frown. 

“Wait-wait!” Alex raises her hand to stop Ali from speaking and Kara to not ask a million questions. “Ali, I _don’t_ have a girlfriend. And this is Kara, my sister.”

There’s a relieved look on Ali’s face as she lets out an awkward laugh that Kara echoes. 

“Yes--that’s me, Kara, Alex’s sister, not her girlfriend, absolutely not dating my adoptive sister,” Kara rambles on, earning another glare from Alex. 

Ali exhales with her hand over her heart. “Thank god because Lucy’s way too hot to---wait, you don’t have a girlfriend? Oh... _oh_!” Kara’s jaw drops simultaneously to Ali clapping her hand over her mouth. “I’m just going to--not be here!” Ali practically runs away as Kara stumbles over a rack to turn Alex around. 

“Lucy?!” Kara exclaims.

Because suddenly it makes sense, like all the pieces of the puzzle are finally coming together. At least the smell and secrets.

Alex opens her mouth and shuts it quickly. Kara stares with wide eyes, hoping her sister would say something. Even as she’s excited about this development, she feels like Alex’s armor has been stripped away. 

Alex swallows hard and turns away from Kara, storming out of the boutique. 

Kara chases her down the street with a myriad of questions. “You’ve been dating Lucy?”

Alex doesn’t stop as she marches down the street. “I don’t want to talk about it!”

“It makes so much sense! Sort of-I’m not sure how much I’m working out right now,” Kara feels like she’s speaking at a hundred words per minute as she canters after Alex. “How long has this been going on? When did you get together? Who asked whom out on a date first?”

Alex stops dead in her tracks that Kara nearly bumps into her. She has a fiery look in her eyes even as her eyes shine with tears. 

Kara exhales with a pleading look. “Why didn’t you tell me? Is this why you’re so upset? Did you think it was weird to tell me because I’m dating James?”

“I didn’t tell you because we’re just sleeping together!” Alex yells. “There is no relationship! There is no _me and Lucy_! There is no **us**! There’s nothing to tell you because we are _**nothing**_!”

Kara recoils at her sister’s outburst. She sees the look in Alex’s eyes. Before her doesn’t stand the badass big sister that can torture men with a single finger, she sees a hurt, broken woman who doesn’t know what to do. For the first time, she sees Alex with tears streaming down her red cheeks from her expressive eyes. And it comes together for Kara. 

It all makes sense why Alex has been acting so distant and lost. 

Kara is overwhelmed to see her sister so viscerally hurt. It cuts so deeply that Kara feels it too. 

Kara completely ignores the crowd that’s staring at them as she pulls Alex into a hug. She feels her sister crumble into her arms. Alex shivers with tears as she clings onto Kara in return. “I’m sorry, Alex, I didn’t mean to--” 

Alex shakes her head. “No, no, it’s fine,” she sobs through her tears. “It’s my fault.”

Kara pulls her sister back and looks at her fiercely. “No, this isn’t your fault,” she insists defensively. “None of this is your fault. No one is allowed to make you feel this way.” 

Alex laughs sardonically as she wipes the tears from her eyes. “It’s my fault, trust me, Kara.”

“Why do you say that?” Kara asks curiously. She hates it when her sister blames herself. She blames herself for everything and Kara can’t help but feel guilty because most of the time she’s the source of that blame.

Alex takes a breath and Kara barely recognizes her sister voice because of how weak it sounds as she says, “Because I’m scared. I’m _so_ scared that I’ve pushed her too far away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay im working 2 jobs rn one full time and the other part time so im limited on time and writing im still aiming to finish this by the end of august though so please bear with me there are only 24 hours in a day and i work at least 16 of them - im sorry this is a slow burn? im going to put it in the tag though ahahahaha we'll be seeing alex/lucy meet up again soon though
> 
> as always drop me a comment or message on tumblr im trying to at least respond to them when i can!


	6. we have to talk about this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when kara tries to help, alex just feels worse

“We’re going to fix this Alex,” Kara says with her eyes burning with determination. 

Alex digs into the strawberry shortcake ice cream sadly. She’s curled up on her couch with a pillow against her chest as Kara paces in front of her with a white board.

She’s been wallowing and brooding _all week_. 

Alex knows Kara’s picked up on it because of how often she’s been present. Kara has always been good at cheering people up. She’s always full of energy and determination. She lives life fully and unapologetically. Underneath it all, Alex knows Kara carries a sadness to last a lifetime and maybe that’s why she shines so bright. So that no one has to understand the pain and sadness she’s been through.

It makes Alex feel guiltier as she digs deeper into the pint of ice cream. 

She’s been in relationships with people before. But no one has ever mattered as much as Lucy. And when Alex thinks of _being_ _with_ Lucy, it terrifies her to think that anyone could be just as important as Kara.

Alex has done almost everything in her life for Kara. She’s Kara’s big sister, her protector, her best friend, you name it. So _maybe_ , she just wants to wallow a bit more. _Maybe_ ignore her feelings and crawl into a hole forever until they go away. Alex doesn’t know how she broach the conversation that Kara plays a much bigger role in her decision than she thinks.

“Okay! Let’s start,” Kara says with a flourish as she motions to the white board. 

It’s titled: _**Dating Lucy Lane**_ in rainbow colors with a line down the middle. One side subtitled: **Pros!** With an emoji with heart eyes and the other with **CONS** and an angry frowning emoji.

“Do we need to do this?” Alex complains as she stuffs her mouth full of ice cream. She regrets it as the brain freeze settles in. 

Kara frowns as she snatches the pint of ice cream from her sister. “ _Yes_ ,” she insists. “We have to do this. I’m trying to understand how you feel about her so we can fix this.” 

“There’s nothing to fix, Kara,” Alex says with resignation in her voice. 

Kara gives her a disapproving look. “Alex, if there was nothing to fix, your feelings wouldn’t be so hurt right now.” 

Alex rolls her eyes and shrugs like it isn’t a big deal. 

“Come on, let’s start with cons to get that out of the way,” Kara goes on. “I promise this is going to help.” 

Alex stares at her sister. Kara’s blue eyes full of hope and promise. She can’t say no to her at all. “Fine,” she huffs. Entertaining her sister wouldn’t be such a bad idea. At least she finally has someone to talk to, even if she doesn’t want to talk.

“Cons!” Kara pops open the marker with a flourish.

Alex thinks about it for a moment. What about Lucy doesn’t she like? 

After a moment, she says, “Her dad.”

“Huh,” Kara agrees as she puts Sam Lane on the list with a frowny face. “What else?” 

“She dated your current boyfriend.” 

“I knew dating James would make this weird!” Kara says as she writes James down. “Alright, what else?” 

_You._ Alex shuts her mouth instantly. **No** , she shoves another scoop of ice cream in her mouth to shut herself up. There’s guilty creeping up her spine like vines, sinking into her predatorily but not quite vicious. She knows it’s only her mind playing tricks on her but Alex has lived with this far too long to be anything but reality. 

Alex is the protector. She maintains order. She is the leader. If she fails at any of those that means failing her family. The most important family she has is Kara. 

Kara is staring at the board thoughtfully before she realizes that Alex hasn’t responded. She turns to her sister with a curious look. “What’s wrong?” It isn’t hard for Kara to read Alex’s emotions. 

Alex projects them so well without even realizing it. Whatever she’s holding onto is evident on her face even as she shoves ice cream into it. 

“It’s nothing,” Alex answers as she clears her throat. She tries to put a brave front. 

Kara gives her a skeptical look as she sinks down next to Alex. She peels the pint of ice cream from Alex’s fingers. “Talk to me,” she pleads. “I hate to say this, but I feel like you’ve been hiding this from me on purpose.” 

Alex furrows her brows in confusion. “No, no,” she tries lying. “Lucy and I weren’t serious. It’s hardly something I would want to bring up to you.” 

Kara drops her shoulders, trying to level with Alex. “You weren’t serious, but it’s kind of clear you want to be something more. You can be something serious with Lucy. I’m sure she wants the same thing with you because she doesn’t seem like the type to do things halfway.”

“She isn’t,” Alex agrees ruefully. She can’t help the smile that creeps at the corner of her lips as she thinks of Lucy. Yet, the cold thoughts whispering her reminders of who she is suppresses the smile. Alex tightens her jaw as she shakes her head. “We really shouldn’t do this Kara.”

“Alex, no,” Kara says quickly as she grabs onto her sister’s hands. “Don’t shut me out. _Please_. I want you to be happy.” 

“I know,” Alex throws back more defensively than she intends. She feels even worse at the stunned look on Kara’s face. “I’m sorry. I know you want me to be happy but Kara, there’s something that you need to understand. Maybe I’m not cut out for this relationship stuff.”

“That’s not true.” 

“It is Kara. I don’t think there’s ever someone that’s stuck around long enough for me to want to feel close to.” 

“That’s because they weren’t the right person. They weren’t willing to put in the work for you. Lucy isn’t like that. Lucy is--”

“Lucy is so much more than I expected,” Alex admits, feeling the tug in her heart. “But I can’t be that person _for her_.”

“Why? Why do you keep saying that?” Kara shoots back. There’s a sad frustration in her voice as she pleads with Alex. “Why do you think that you can’t be with Lucy? You’re smart, beautiful, and amazing. You guys are eerily perfect for each other.” 

Alex pinches the bridge of her nose. “I can’t, Kara. I just can’t.”

“Alex, you can. You can be with her and you deserve to be with her,” Kara encourages earnestly. She stares at Alex so hopefully and honestly that it hurts to stare at her. 

Alex hates this feeling that wrenches inside of her chest. She can see the heartbreak that Kara feels for her. She’s her older sister and here Kara was doing so much for her. She is supposed to be Kara’s rock, **always**. Undoubtedly, Alex would always be there to protect and make sure that Kara was the one that was happy. No matter what the sacrifices were, Alex was willing to make them. 

Yet, Alex doesn’t know which one is worse. How much it hurts to not be with Lucy or how guilty she feels if she was going to be with Lucy. 

“Please, tell me what’s wrong Alex,” Kara begs at this point. She’s already staring at Alex with her puppy eyes. “Please.” 

Alex cups Kara’s cheek gently in her hand. Kara holds her hand over Alex’s as she waits patiently for her. Her voice comes out coarse as she speaks softly, regretfully, “You don’t understand, Kara, I do want to be with Lucy.” Kara opens her mouth when Alex shakes her head. “But I can’t be with her because it makes me feel guilty.” 

Alex shudders as she forges on, Kara patiently listening. “Everytime that I want something for myself I just feel like I am being selfish. Whenever I’m selfish things always, _always_ go wrong. And I can’t stand the idea that every time I go for something that I want, there’s this dreadful ending waiting for me to reach.”

“This isn’t the same though…” 

Alex feels the tears well in her eyes as her emotions continue to pour into her. “It isn’t. It’s worse because I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything so much. The more I want something, the worse it’s going to be.” She thinks of Lucy and all that she wants them to be. It starts to overwhelm her. “When I think of Lucy--when I think of being with her, it feels so vivid, so visceral, that I can’t remember a time where I’ve ever felt like this. It-it feels like I _need_ her and it’s mortifying because I shouldn’t need anyone as much as I feel like I need her.” 

Kara throws her arms around her sister’s shoulders and pulls her in closely as the tears threaten to fall. Alex shudders as holds onto Kara tightly. “It’s okay to need someone from time to time,” Kara comforts as she rubs Alex’s back. “We can’t always do everything on our own. No matter who we are. Look at me, I need you.” 

Alex holds onto her sister even tighter. She buries her face into Kara’s strong shoulder, trying to be that strength Kara needs. “I know you do. And I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always be your big sister and your protector.” 

“I know that,” Kara says so easily. “But I don’t need you all the time.” 

“You don’t know that,” Alex lets out unconsciously. 

Kara lessens her hold over Alex slowly before peeling herself away. She stares at Alex curiously, trying to see her sister eye to eye. “Do you feel this way because of me?” she asks carefully.

The look on Alex’s face seems to say it all. Alex can’t help herself as she stares guiltily at her sister. It’s why she wanted to avoid this conversation in the first place. 

“Alex, come on,” Kara throws out incredulously. “Do you think that if you were selfish, something bad would happen to me? Or us?”

Alex feels her heart tighten. “I don’t want to feel like I’m abandoning you.” 

“No,” Kara suddenly declares. “How could you think that? You’ve never abandoned me ever. I _know_ that.” She sits up straighter as she stares at Alex with passion in her eyes. They shine similar to Alex’s tear filled eyes. “You’ve given me so much more than I could ever ask for since landing here on Earth. You have been my rock, my heart. You are my person, Alex. Just because you take care of me all of the time doesn’t mean that you have to. We are family. We take care of each other.” 

The gravity of Kara’s words cut through Alex’s reservations. She feels the dam break and the tears fall freely as she reaches for Kara. 

Kara holds Alex once more, feeling her sister rely just a bit more on her. “It’s okay, Alex. We’re not kids anymore. You don’t always have to protect me. Let me protect you for once.” 

Alex shudders through her tears as she feels herself relax against Kara. 

“Besides, I know that Lucy loves me too, so she’d probably kick your ass if you abandoned me,” Kara tries as she shakes her sister. 

Alex actually laughs at this. “She would,” Alex agrees with an uncontrollable smile on her face. She can just imagine Lucy giving her that look whenever Alex does something wrong on mission. 

Kara smiles brightly as she stares at Alex. “I really want you to be happy, _you know that right_?” Alex sheepishly nods in agreement because fighting it doesn’t make it any less true. “Does Lucy make you happy?” 

Alex takes a deep breath. “She makes me feel so much more than that.” 

Kara beams. “Then, we’re going to make sure you get your girl.”


	7. we have to do something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lucy has a moment of clarity

This is it. This is exactly what the end feels like: **regret**. The taste in her mouth is sterile and dry, the kind of taste when doctors leave an operating room after losing a patient. There are a myriad of emotions that circle around _should’ve, would’ve, and could’ve_.

Lucy doesn’t think of it as the end though. She refuses to accept that fact, knowing that through all of her pain and bleeding this is far from the end. Even if she’s been shot just above her heart. It could’ve been a hell of a lot worse had it not been for her Kevlar.

Her life has never been terrible. She’s always gotten what she wanted and when she didn’t have something, she would work hard for it. Even when she never felt like anything was enough, her becoming a Major to please her father, her becoming a lawyer to level with her Pulitzer Prize winning sister, Lucy forged forward. She tried finding herself. 

It had taken months, almost years, to get to where she is. Lucy finally found herself, the _best_ version of herself that she wanted to be. She was doing work that she _wanted_ to do and that she was _made_ to do. All of her skills amounted to her work at the DEO. She’d fucking damned if she dies like this because there’s still _**one**_ more thing she needs to do. 

“You’re gonna feel some numbness,” Laurel says as she injects Lucy’s shoulder with an anaesthetic.

Lucy hisses before throwing her head back against the steel bench. “Didn’t know you were a doctor,” she comments through her labored breathing. She stares at the ceiling of the bunker as Laurel works. 

Laurel looks carefully at Lucy’s shoulder, using tweezers to pull whatever remnants possible from her wound. “I’m not a doctor. This is basic first aid all vigilantes need to know,” she jokes.

Lucy feels the pressure of Laurel’s handiwork inside of her and grunts at the pain. She holds back the scream threatening to come up her throat as she stares harder at the ceiling. 

“It’s okay if you’re in pain,” Laurel says as she pulls a sliver of metal out of Lucy’s body. She frowns at how it looks. “This isn’t pretty.” 

“You act as if this is the first time I’ve gotten shot,” Lucy grinds her teeth as she feels the pressure from the tweezer again.

“Is the anaesthetic working?” 

“Not particularly.” 

“Alright, do you want something for the pain?”

“What’ve you got?”

“We’re fresh out of morphine but I think we have some vodka somewhere.” 

Lucy scoffs at this. “That works just as well.” 

Laurel laughs as she takes out one more fragment. She looks inside the wound carefully. “I think that’s it.” 

Lucy looks over as Laurel drops the metal into the plastic. “I’m going to need a sample to go.” 

“Do you ever stop thinking about work?” Laurel asks jokingly as she reaches for the needle and thread. 

“I have my moments, you know that,” Lucy lazily answers as she briefly closes her eyes. Her body is exhausted from the blood loss. 

“Hey, stay awake,” Laurel snaps her fingers at Lucy to open her eyes. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to die,” Lucy carelessly says, opening her eyes to stare at Laurel, who doesn’t look pleased. “I’m _not_.”

“You’re not but this bullet or whatever it is did some real damage to you,” Laurel chides. “It doesn’t hurt to be weary.” Her brows furrow as she focuses on stitching. “This isn’t going to be my best work, like you kindly mentioned I’m not a doctor, but it’ll save you from having to explain how you got injured.”

Lucy shakes her head. “Don’t worry, the work I do is on a need to know basis, there’s only ever one person that I inform first.”

“Alex Danvers?” Laurel teases.

Lucy narrows her eyes. “ _No_. My co-director.” 

At the reminder of Alex, Lucy smiles though. She’s going to be fine. Today isn’t a day that’s going to end in regret. She’s already made sure of it by sheer force of will. 

“Are you going to get your girl or what?” Laurel prods upon the small smile on Lucy’s face. Lucy lightly laughs. “Because you could’ve died today and you wouldn’t have gotten to tell her you love her.”

“I want to,” Lucy admits before shutting her mouth. “I just don’t know what’s happened to me.” She looks at the ceiling as she muses about how much her life has changed. The thoughts have crossed her mind a lot recently. 

Laurel hums thoughtfully. “With what happened to James and your dad, I don’t really blame you for being cautious.” 

“Yeah?” 

Laurel nods. “You always seemed like you knew what you wanted. When we were in law school, you had goals that you were focused on. You were like this unmovable, unstoppable force charging ahead to get what you wanted.” 

Lucy smirks at the memory. “I made a lot of enemies along the way,” she reminds, despite feeling little remorse for that fact.

“Yes, you definitely did, but that was a different time in your life,” Laurel points out. “You’ve met new people, _healthier_ people. You work for _**Supergirl**_ for crying out loud, if she doesn’t like you it basically means you’re evil.” 

Lucy laughs. “You know we didn’t like each other until fairly recently right?” 

“My point in case. You’ve changed. But the real question is if this change is holding you back?”

Lucy narrows her eyes at Laurel. “When did you get all sagely?” she deflects unconsciously.

“Recovering from addiction does things to a girl,” Laurel tries joking. Lucy snorts to herself before reaching for Laurel’s hand. 

“Next time call me, you know I’m here for you,” Lucy says supportively. 

Laurel nods with a smile. “So? What do you think? What’s holding you back from getting the girl you love?” 

Lucy takes a breath in. “When we first started sleeping together, I’ve just let her set the pace. Whenever she wanted me, I’d be there. When she didn’t need me, I would do my own thing.” 

“You’re not the type to be used.” 

“I know, Laur,” Lucy counters quickly. “For awhile I felt like we were using each other. Just sleeping together to get through the tough days, but things started to change. I started to feel differently.” The feeling weighs heavy in her chest like it has been whenever she thinks of Alex. “She’s nothing like anyone I’ve ever dated and it feels so new to me. I thought I knew what I wanted in a relationship, this perfect imagery of my perfect person, who respects me and my dreams, who encourages me and supports my endeavors. She didn’t do that when we first met. We were sitting at opposite ends of the table and I was leading her interrogation.” 

Laurel snickers at this. “You mentioned you met her at work, I didn’t think that was the case.” 

Lucy rolls her eyes. “I’m sure Felicity blew my cover completely by hacking into my agency. It feels better to not have to hide this from you. Like I can actually talk to someone.” 

“Just because we are across the country from each other, doesn’t mean we can’t talk. You’re just always busy.” Lucy nods in agreement. “Alex sounds special, someone unexpected, different.”

“Yeah....I don’t know. She’s more than that. She's steadfast, determined, smart as hell, and god--she's beautiful. She's so sure of herself when she does something and it never ceases to amaze me how much of herself she's willing to give just to get the job done. She’s someone I never thought I would meet in this lifetime and yet, here she is. Here I am, wanting her more than ever.” Lucy bites her lip at the admission because knows deep down, she still feels a wall that stands between her and Alex. 

“But you don’t want to get hurt,” Laurel deadpans, catching her attention. 

“What makes you think _**I**_ would get hurt?” Lucy shoots back quickly. She gets defensive about it without realizing it. 

“Because the last time you went for someone you really wanted, ie James, that crashed and burned.” 

“It wasn’t _that_ dramatic,” Lucy reasons. “We just...wanted different things.” She finishes her thought almost lamely. She was hurt after James sure, but it was more than that. She was trying to make things work when they couldn’t. “What if I can’t make it work with Alex?” 

Laurel raises her eyebrows as she finishes her stitching. She purses her lips skeptically at it before placing a bandage over it. She looks at Lucy, exhaling. “You never used to ask what if, Luce, you used to just go for it.” Lucy frowns because she’d do just that, take the risk, but she doesn’t want to to her surprise. “If Alex is actually more than you’ve ever expected, more than you’ve ever wanted, then why not take the risk and try to make it work? The fact that you’re apprehensive about the risks is because the rewards are worth more than you can imagine.” 

Lucy chews on Laurel’s words. “A lot of things are easier said than done you know?” she notes aloud. 

“Get your girl, Lucy, don’t be a wuss,” Laurel deadpans with a smile on her face. “You got shot today, live a little tomorrow.”

This garners a laugh from Lucy. “Yeah, yeah, I know,” Lucy waves her hand. “Nothing like a good old fashioned dying moment to bring some clarity to a girl.” 

“You’re a little shit, I just wanted you to know that.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

Laurel narrows her eyes and thinks for a moment. “If you ever want a career change, you’d make a great superhero.” 

Lucy rolls her eyes at this. “Shut up, Laurel.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i said i'd finish this before i go on vacation...vacation is in..6 days...do you think i can finish this?? i'm not sureeeee


	8. we meet again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lucy is here!

When Lucy gets off the jet on the helipad, she can see the bright city lights in festivity. Her body is completely sore and exhausted from her most recent _excursion_. It’s a wonder she’s even standing at this point by the way the pain reminds her of what she still has to report to J’onn. What carries her forward is the thought of a warm shower and redoing her dressing from the bullet wound as she makes her way to the control floor to meet J’onn. 

The minute she steps in, she feels wholly underdressed even in her favorite charcoal suit. There were several agents in formal attire, including Alex who was standing in front of the pack, wearing a skin tight blue dress that was cut open on the sides to reveal her smooth creamy skin.

“Ah, Lucy, just in time,” J’onn says as he approaches her, wearing his tactical gear. “I could use an extra set of eyes on command.” 

“What’s going on?” Lucy asks, pushing back the exhaustion from the slight time difference. It’s only been a week in Star City, so she can handle working some overtime.

“ _Maxwell Lord_ believes there’s a threat to his opening gala by a renegade group with alien technology,” J’onn explains as he directs her towards Alex’s crowd. “We are there to provide additional support and find out who is supplying this group with alien technology.”

“Interesting that Max Lord is allowing us to be there,” Lucy notes as she reaches the board J’onn presses on some buttons to pull up the highlights. Lucy sets down her bag, holding back the hiss from the wound in her shoulder. She begins to read, ignoring how clearly she can hear Alex’s commanding voice. “I didn’t know we were in the business of doing security anymore either.”

J’onn crosses his arm. “Lord called in a _favor_ from Alex apparently,” he says almost disapprovingly. 

Lucy is glad she hears the sentiment in his voice because there’s something that twists in her stomach to know that Alex has been in contact with Maxwell Lord. She goes over the highlights of the criminals that have been identified so far and begins thinking of other angles as J’onn catches her up. 

“ _J’onn_ , Winn wants to run by a technical issue with you before he comes with us in the van,” Alex appears wringing her fingers. 

Lucy feels J’onn’s hand ready pat her shoulder before he decides not to. Of course. He's going to want a report for that wound in her shoulder too. He sends her a nod before going to find Winn. She can practically feel her skin crawl underneath Alex’s gaze. Lucy looks up to Alex slowly making her way towards her. “Looks like you clean up nicely, Danvers,” she remarks as casually as she can. 

Alex lets out a nervous laugh. “ _Huh_ , y-y-eah, I mean I can when I need to,” she stutters out. 

Lucy raises an eyebrow as she stares at Alex. The agent is acting _weird_. It almost feels like a 180 from her cold shoulder the previous week….because Alex seems really _nervous_ to be near Lucy. 

“Heard Max Lord called in a favor,” Lucy adds curtly. 

Alex nods. “He uh--wanted me to go as his date,” she explains. 

Lucy reveals nothing, even though the twisting of her gut gets tighter. _Of course_ , this might be why Alex would be nervous. Lucy’s not an idiot to know Max Lord’s infatuation with Alex. Alex had been giving him the runaround for months. 

“Right.” Lucy says as she stands up straight breathing in. “He’s lucky you said yes.”

“Lucy, it’s nothing--”

“It’s fine. I get it.” Lucy doesn’t want to hear it. Just when she thought she’d be able to explain how she felt and how much more she wants Alex, it felt _insignificant_.

Alex looks at her almost sadly. It forces Lucy to look away, redirecting her focus on the mission. Before Alex can get another word out, J’onn is telling them they’re ready to go. 

Lucy looks over her shoulder as Alex starts to follow J’onn. “Danvers,” she calls out. “Be safe out there.” 

Alex smiles at her and nods before walking away. Lucy can’t help but admire how full and tight Alex’s backside is either.

Lucy turns back to the controls, gripping the edge of the table. Her head bows as she exhales, trying to relax the tension in the pit of her stomach. “Fucking Max Lord,” she hisses out to herself softly. 

“Ma’am.” Vasquez appears beside her to take a seat. “It’s just for the mission,” she says cryptically as she turns her attention to the screens before them. 

Lucy narrows her eyes. “It better be for the _fucking_ mission,” she mutters. Maybe there was still some hope. 

\---------------

“I’ve got an all clear on Cobra,” Alex says into her comm as she waits for responses. 

Max Lord is chatting it up with Cat Grant again, flirting his way to the woman’s heart as she tries to play coy with him. Kara is hovering nearby Cat, as her assistant, keeping a close eye on her boss and Max to make sure everything is okay. 

The responses are all clear so far. 

“And we’re _sure_ Max Lord is threatened?” Lucy asks over the comm. 

Alex hears the skepticism and frustration in the co-director’s voice. Lucy looked exhausted coming back from her trip and hopping onto another mission right away is clearly taking its toll. Lucy has been making jabs at Max all night and while Alex doesn’t care to defend the guy, she takes her job seriously. 

“I did a thorough check on the perpetrators from their last couple of robberies, they’re trying to make a statement,” Alex explains patiently. “If they want to do that, this gala is the place.” 

“We’ve gone through all of our channels, his story checks out,” J’onn adds for reassurance. 

“ _Mm_ ,” Lucy sounds over the comm. There’s clearly more she wants to say, but for the sake of professionalism she doesn’t. 

“Talking about me?” Max asks appearing in front of Alex with two flutes of champagne. He offers one to Alex. 

“Part of the job,” Alex responds curtly as she takes a glass of champagne just to set it down on the high boy she’s been hovering near. “I don’t drink when I work.” 

Max’s lips curl at the corners. “You drank on _our date_.”

Alex rolls her eyes. “That wasn’t a date.”

“Dinner alone, champagne, feeding each other fine cuisine, and _flirting_?” Max goes on taking his place next to her. “It was a date.” 

“And look how we turned out,” Alex shoots back. If he ever thought that was going to work on her, he really needs to up his game. Or grow some tits. Or just **not** be Max Lord.

“You wound me,” he feigns as he polishes off his champagne.

Alex glances at him at the corner of her eyes. “Taking it pretty easy even though your life is being threatened,” she notes aloud. 

“I’ve got a beautiful woman to protect me, what’s to worry about?” he says cavalierly. He holds out his hand. “Dance with me?” There’s a hopeful smile on his face. 

Alex laughs before taking his hand. Even if she doesn’t find any part of Max Lord attractive, she had to admit he was smart and a charmer. He’s like every other ignorant male that Alex has dated before, which is why they’ll never happen. She has to admit though, over their shared time with work for the DEO, they’ve had a strange version of friendship that is hard to describe. 

As they dance, Alex keeps a clear eye on her surroundings, just letting her body move with Max’s in a pseudo-waltz. 

“I have to admit, I’m surprised you know the steps,” he smirks at her.

“Part of the job,” Alex answers. 

“You never cease to surprise me, Agent Danvers,” he flirts as he moves her to spin.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Alex reminds for what feels like the umpteenth time. She spins back into his arms and his breath is hot at her neck. 

“Well, we should be spending more time to mend that,” he spins her to face him again. There’s a cheeky smile on his face that actually gets Alex to laugh. “It’s been awhile since we’ve met outside of the job. You know how much I like you.” 

“Haha, and you know _how much_ I like you,” Alex throws back sarcastically. 

Max laughs. “You and I? We could be good together.” 

Alex just lets him go on. He’s always been deluded. Correcting him would only make things worse. 

“With my brain and your good looks, all the things we could accomplish,” he adds playfully. “Think of our children.” 

Now he is just trying to annoy her and he knows it because Alex’s expression sours immediately at the thought of procreating with him. He shoots another cheeky smile at her, letting her know he’s just messing with her. 

“Thinking about having children with you just makes my heart _swoon_ , Max,” Alex jokes back. 

“You can jest, Alex, but I can win you over,” Max goes on unruffled. 

“I’d really like to see you try.” There has to be some boundaries, a clear line, that she actually doesn’t want him to try. Because he is definitely not on her list of potential people she’d date. Hell, she doesn’t even have a list. Even if there was a list, Alex can only think of _one_ person right now.  And she blurts out, “Too bad I’m off the market.”

Max doesn't care. “Doesn’t mean we still can’t have fun,” he says playfully. “He doesn’t have to know about us.”

"She will definitely care," Alex corrects fiercely. "If you think I can kick your ass, she'd probably do worse."

Max looks surprised only briefly before he laughs quietly to himself. "I'd like to meet her, unless of course, you're just yanking my chain." 

A coughing fit comes through the comm. “ ** _Openchannel_** ,” Kara coughs through the comm.

Alex’s eyes widen. **Lucy** is on the channel. _Fuck_. She slaps her comm off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> side note: that last scene with max lord wasn't originally going to be in it but it made the cut i feel like you guys deserved to see a bit more of alex outside of the core cast because as much as i hated that weird love interest deal when it was s1 its nice to tease it a bit to get EVERYONE frustrated
> 
> gASP we are so close to the end!!! who is readyyyyy because i am not. anyway let me know what you think about our two love birds all your likes and comments are an inspiration to my writing mainly me sniggering about this painful slow burn but also how much you guys enjoy reading it makes me keep writing it! thanks for all the readership :D


	9. we touch like gas and fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alex just wants to go home but she dreads lucy's reaction to the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehehahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Alex practically counts the seconds the minute she is back at the DEO. She’d already got a minor scolding from J’onn but it was in the heat of the fight, so it was cut relatively short (no doubt, midyear reviews should be fun). The mission went as well as any mission could have gone with the band of robbers trying to do their worst. With only a few hiccups and cuts and bruises, they managed to apprehend all but one. 

For Alex, that was more of a success than she had expected. Kara’s waiting for her to go home and Alex actually can’t wait to go home. And while her mind drifts to the thoughts of what tomorrow is going to bring, there’s a nagging source of anxiety that floods the forefront of her mind. 

After coming out to Kara about the whole thing between her and Lucy, Alex knew she had to do something about it. Kara wouldn’t let it drop and she stuck by Alex to make sure that Alex could just stop suffering from not being with Lucy. Her sister had made it sound so easy and simple. Alex didn’t come around until Kara practically forced a pros and cons list. 

Every time she thinks of Lucy now, it’s not this constant war inside of her. _She wants Lucy. She wants to be with Lucy._ And even as she trembles inside, absolutely mortified of being with Lucy like she’s standing at the edge of a cliff, there’s a thrill in the idea of just falling. 

She presses her head against the cool metal locker and hisses from the cut above her eyebrow. She’d just finish putting the stitches on those too. She huffs and opens her locker to throw her thigh holster and heels in. 

When Lucy stepped onto the floor in her charcoal suit that hugs every slim, finely worked curves of her hips and pants that make her legs go on for days, touching just above her high heels, Alex felt like she was getting nudged closer to the edge of the cliff. Her thoughts were full of Lucy’s presence. Lucy is _here_. **Lucy is here!** Now that Lucy is back, she really has to think about what she’s going to say to her. _How_ was she going tell Lucy that she wants more?

**God** , she really wished that she remembered they were on an open comm. That Lucy had came back early from her mission to hop onto controls at base. And _god_ , she knew she fucked up the minute she turned off her comm. 

This wasn’t how she was expecting things to turn out. She didn’t know that Lucy would be back so soon. When she left, Alex didn’t expect her to come back so soon, or at least without notice from J’onn. She was hoping for more time to solidify her plan to lay it all out for Lucy, what to say _and_ how she was going to do it. 

Suddenly, there’s a slam of the locker room door opening and clicking of heels. Alex turns her attention to the all too familiar sounds of Lucy’s heels against the floors. She curses to herself because Lucy is standing before her, looking absolutely **furious**. 

And _**beautiful**_. 

Alex knows it’s an inappropriate time to take in Lucy’s gorgeous sunkissed skin under the white lights, but she feels like she’s actually seeing Lucy for the first time again. The way Lucy’s lips thin and jaw clenches and her eyes darken with gravity. Lucy stares at Alex with a furious intent. 

Alex opens her mouth to say something when Lucy huffs angrily and crosses to Alex. She shoves the locker shut with a loud slam that it startles Alex. 

Before Alex realizes it, she’s being pushed back against the lockers with Lucy’s lips on hers in a bruising kiss. She unconsciously moans because it reminds her of how _good_ it feels. All of the times they’ve argued and bickered that led to passionate fucking. It **definitely** feels like the first time all over again. 

Alex kisses back as she crumbles back against the lockers, knees giving out on her with how Lucy kisses her. _Angrily. Hungrily._

“Lucy--this isn’t--” Alex breathes heavily through the kisses. She can’t keep her focus as Lucy kisses her; she can only focus on how much she _wants_ to kiss Lucy back.

Lucy’s hands roam her sides, gripping her firmly before sliding down her body. “What do you want Alex?” Lucy demands. “Tell me now.”

Alex’s heart stops briefly at how serious Lucy sounds. She can feel the way Lucy’s fingers tense at her waist, exercising restraint until Alex responds. It affects her to the core, the wetness floods between her legs.

She lets out a moan out her approval and guide’s Lucy’s hands to the edge of her dress that’s already high up her thigh. “Lucy....” she sighs out as she throws her head back. “Fuck me.” 

Lucy moans against her skin and pushes the dress up to Alex’s hips. She keeps kissing Alex fiercely, trailing her lips down the column of her neck, across her clavicle, to the nape of her neck. She sucks hard without any precedent. Alex shivers and clutches at the lapels of Lucy’s blazer to anchor herself. Lucy lets out a low hiss as Alex grips her tightly but she doesn’t stop.

It feels like Lucy’s hands are all over her body, trying to map out every inch of her body. Alex whimpers at all the places Lucy touches her. Just under her breast. Her waist. The crease at the apex of her thighs. A single hand trails down the back of her thigh and Alex struggles to stand up. 

Lucy grabs the back of her knee and hikes her leg up around her waist. Alex groans, falling back hard against the lockers. She shifts and feels Lucy press into her core. 

Alex holds Lucy’s head in place as she grinds into Alex slowly and continues to suck at the nape of her neck. She slams her eyes shut as a guttural moan rips from the back of her throat. The thought of Lucy leaving a mark leaves her drenched, rolling her hips against Lucy’s for more delicious friction. Lucy’s left marks on her before, but now Alex desperately _wants_ Lucy to. 

Lucy’s hand comes up between them and tugs at Alex’s panties. Alex gasps at way the fabric tightens and rubs against her folds. Lucy grasps at them like she wants to tear them off of Alex. She can hear the material rip. 

Lucy lets out a low growl that vibrates against Alex. She doesn’t tear off the panties completely. Instead, she shoves them aside to cup Alex’s mound. 

“You like being wet for me?” Lucy rasps out as her fingers press hard between Alex’s folds. 

Alex fists Lucy’s dark brown locks tightly. “Uh huh,” she whimpers out weakly. 

“You like my fingers fucking you?” Lucy pushes two digits in firmly. She doesn’t move them.

Alex whines, shifting her hips. 

“ _Answer me_ ,” Lucy demands. 

“Yes, yes, _yes_ ,” Alex answers quickly and Lucy responds by pushing them until she’s knuckles deep inside of her. Alex cries out. 

“Fuck,” Lucy curses as she drops her head against Alex’s clavicle to thrust her fingers in and out of Alex’s sopping core. “You’re so drenched. I miss fucking you. Do you miss me too?” 

Alex nods, feeling the dampness dripping from her core. 

“Do you get this wet for anyone else?” Lucy snarls. 

Alex shudders because she can hear it in the woman’s voice. The jealousy. The possessiveness. 

“ **Answer me**.” 

Alex shakes her head. “Just you,” she breathes out as she clutches Lucy even harder as if Lucy could disappear.  

“Who else fucks you like this?” Lucy groans out. She curls her fingers and presses her thumb against Alex’s clit. She rubs back and forth quickly that Alex’s eyes roll back. 

Alex curses. “No one--just you,” she gasps, remembering to answer. She rolls her hips for Lucy’s fingers to go deeper, leg hiking higher around Lucy’s slim waist.

Lucy’s fingers card through her hair before gripping them to force Alex to face her. “Open your eyes.” Alex opens her eyes to meet Lucy’s and she gasps. The intensity of Lucy’s eyes, pupils blown, staring into hers sends gooseflesh rising across her skin. The green practically shines like emerald as she maintains eye contact with Alex. Lucy wants her to know that she's the only one that can fuck her like this.

Alex feels her stomach shudder and walls quiver. “Lucy, I’m close,” she whines. “Please, please, ple--"

Lucy tips her head just enough to kiss Alex. Her kiss is so gentle that Alex inhales sharply. The sensation is starkly different from the way Lucy’s fingers mercilessly fuck her. Alex tugs Lucy’s blazer to pull her in and kiss her fully and deeply. Lucy mewls loudly, almost painfully, into her mouth before deepening the kiss. Their lips slide against one another in a slow dance and explore one another, trying to commit how they kiss to memory. 

Lucy breaks the kiss first, breath hot against her face. “Come for me, Alex,” she whispers.

The words echo in Alex’s mind. _For me. For me. For me_. Alex feels her whole body tense up, the orgasm crashing into her as she obeys Lucy’s quiet demand. She wraps her arms around Lucy’s body to pull her in close and feels Lucy jerk in her arms.

Just like that, Alex feels like she’s falling. The ground beneath her ceases to exist and Alex feels her heart drop to her stomach as she free falls. But she isn’t alone. Her senses are full of Lucy. From the sweet floral scent of her shampoo, to the natural shea butter and coconut body wash, to the rich perfume underneath the stale air from the plane cabin. It’s **all** _Lucy._ The Lucy that she’d been fucking for months that she’s already commit to memory. 

Alex breathes in deeply and it smells like _home_. 

Lucy kisses her and Alex melts, sighing into the kiss like her body is finally landing on a soft cloud. 

Alex opens her eyes and stares at Lucy. She doesn’t look angry anymore. The frustration and jealousy is cast aside and all Alex sees is the uncertainty in Lucy’s eyes as she stares carefully at Alex. There are so many things Lucy wants to say and she opens her mouth to speak, but shuts it to just stare at Alex. 

Alex takes in Lucy through her daze. Her heart pounds inside of her because there aren’t too many words that can describe how light and free she feels. A smile crosses her lips. Without even thinking, Alex sighs out, “I love you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wink wink kisses FINGER GUNS*


	10. we might as well be together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when our girls finally come together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive gotta get up in less than 3 hours for my flight yet here i am updating my fanfic because i damn near forgot to

Lucy closes her eyes.

Through the deafening silence, she can practically hear the sounds of her lashes brushing against one another. 

She opens her eyes to stare at Alex intently, watching as her chest rises and falls trying to catch her breath. She can see the thin sheen of sweat underneath the white lights of the locker room across her creamy soft skin. Her eyes slowly trail up from Alex’s ample cleavage in the skin tight dress until she sees the reddening marks she left behind. There’s a very visible mark at the nape of Alex’s neck that Lucy knows is probably going to last a couple days. 

She swallows thickly, thinking of kissing it again.

Instead she looks up at Alex and sees her beautiful face as if she’s seeing it for the first time. Her hair is disheveled from her fingers and her eyes are cloudy with euphoria, but she smiles at Lucy. It’s so genuine that Lucy wonders what it could mean. 

Then Alex says it, quietly like a secret, “ _I love you._ ” 

Lucy’s breath hitches. 

For a moment, she doesn’t think that Alex actually said it. That maybe it was something that she imagined. 

But Alex is staring at her, completely _mortified_ , cheeks flushed with embarrassment as her mouth hangs open. 

_This is it._ This is all that Lucy’s ever wanted. Nothing flashy and extravagant. Just something real and honest for once. She knows that a few weeks ago, if Alex were to just drop that bomb after having mind blowing (as it always was) sex with her, she would’ve laughed it off and told her to say that sober. With the way Alex is staring at her, Lucy can tell she means it because as mortified as she looks, Lucy can feel the tension melt away from Alex’s body by the way it relaxes against Lucy’s. 

There’s a smile that curls at the corner of her lips. “You said--”

“Wait, _wait_ ,” Alex interrupts quickly, hands flailing as she gently pushes Lucy back so her legs are both on the ground. She stumbles a bit, clearly worn. “I can’t believe I just--” She tries to compose herself, readjusting her dress and running her fingers through her hair. 

“Alex, **Alex** ,” Lucy grabs Alex’s hands to stop her from spiralling or say something she’d regret. And most importantly, stop her from running away. 

They both have to stop running away. 

Lucy holds Alex’s hands tightly in hers. “ **Alex** , _I love you too_.” 

There she’s said it. She’s said it to Alex and Alex is staring at her with an incredulous look on her face. Lucy smiles, holding back a laugh because she’s sure her face was just like that a few moments ago. 

“You---” Alex’s sentence falls off into a question.

“I love you,” Lucy repeats. Her eyes locking with Alex’s. “I _really_ do love you and I’m tired of not being able to tell you how I really feel.” She lets out a relieved laugh as she stares at Alex’s awestruck face. 

Lucy feels like she’s on top of Mt. Everest as she stares up at Alex. Her heart swells with elation and her mind relaxes for the first time in months. Everything that she’s kept locked away inside of her can finally come out. It’s time she really got what she came back for. 

It feels like a dream. Her head feels light. 

Alex looks at her happily too. So happy that she could cry. 

Lucy still holds onto Alex’s hand, rubbing circles with her thumb until she feels a vague dampness on her hand. She looks down and sees red in her palm. 

Alex looks down quickly at the back of her hand and sees blood. She quickly pulls it back to inspect it. “Where--” her question is cut short when she looks at Lucy. “Lucy, you’re _bleeding_!”

Lucy stares at the blood before realizing where it’s coming from. “Oh fu--” she grumbles as she drops back onto the bench. That explains the sharp pain she felt earlier. “Give me a second, I’m fine.” She takes a deep breath before exhaling again. “Okay, this actually really hurts. Can we--”

Alex nods quickly, letting Lucy throw an arm over her shoulder. “I can’t believe this. How did this even happen?” Alex sounds furious. 

It kind of makes Lucy want to laugh. “It’s classified?” she offers instead. 

“That’s such **bullshit** ,” Alex blurts out in frustration as she pushes the locker room door open. “Are you _trying_ to hide it from me?” 

“No, I’m not trying to hide it from you,” Lucy protests as she walks along. She looks at her suit and sees the blood pool grow. “I just happened to forget.”

“ _ **Forget** _ that you were _injured_?” 

“To be fair, it was stitched pretty well before our locker room excursion,” Lucy jokes. 

“That doesn’t make me feel any better!” Alex exclaims through a blush. “I opened up your stitches!” 

Lucy laughs at how frantic Alex sounds. “It’s fine,” she tries to reassure as they turn a corner. “Painful but I’ll live.” 

“I need to make sure of that because it looks an awful lot like you’re bleeding from your heart,” Alex argues. 

“What happened?” Kara asks, practically running them over. “I heard you two arguing.” 

Lucy smiles. “Got shot, had stitches, opened up stitches, and now your sister is having an aneurysm.” 

Kara’s eyes widen immediately. “That’s a lot of blood, Lucy!” 

Lucy winces. It’s bad enough she’s already getting yelled at from Alex but it’s another thing when it’s _Kara_. “Can we just get to the lab so Alex can take a look at this?” she adds weakly. She tries to remember to breathe but is wholly distracted when suddenly she’s being swept off the ground. Down becomes up and Lucy is seeing stars at it happens. “ _ **Whoa**_ , can we ease off the sudden movements?” 

“Kara!” Alex chastises.

“I’m trying to help!” Kara throws back as they begin moving again. 

Lucy just tries to remember to breathe and to stay conscious through the pain. She tries to remember where the bullet casing is so that R&D can have a look at it later. It’s tougher than any metal she’s ever run into and she doesn’t need that falling in the wrong hands. 

She’s suddenly being set down and Alex already has gloves on and cutting open her shirt with trauma scissors. 

“This was my favorite suit, by the way,” Lucy points out trying to keep it light as Alex’s brows furrow with worry. 

“You can get a new one later,” Alex grumbles as she pushes her shirt open gently. She sees the dressing and peels it back slowly. It’s heavy with blood. 

“Do you need me for anything?” Kara asks carefully, trying to not look at Lucy’s shirtless state. 

“ _No_.” “ ** _Yes_**.” Alex and Lucy both answer simultaneously that leaves Kara like a deer in headlights. 

Alex glares at Lucy. 

Lucy ignores the glare and says to Kara, “Can you make sure that J’onn got my report and let him know that I can debrief him as soon as Alex is done with me?” 

Kara doesn’t move, too scared of her sister. But Lucy nods for Kara to escape. She doesn’t do it willingly, but she’d rather not be there while Alex is angry. Calming her down will only make it worse. 

The room falls quiet as soon as Kara’s leaves.  

Alex is diligently working on cleaning the blood and carefully working around the wound. Lucy feels a bit weak as Alex works on her. She hates this feeling, this vibe radiating off of Alex. 

“Why are you so upset?” Lucy casually asks as a layer of blood finally clears but she’s still bleeding. She looks away and lets her head hit the back of the bed.

Alex doesn’t look like she’s going to answer. It’s almost unsurprising to Lucy at this point because Alex always gets like this when they start to get anywhere _near_ emotional. But this time, she doesn’t want to let it go. If they’re going to talk about them, they have to talk about _everything_.

“Alex, don’t shut me out,” Lucy goes on firmly. “You _just_ told me that you **love** me.” 

Alex’s ears redden and Lucy can see the color creeping up her neck. There’s a brief moment that passes before Alex mumbles, “You said it too.” 

Lucy laughs.

“Don’t move,” Alex orders sharply. She stares up almost apologetically at Lucy because she doesn’t want it to hurt. **Much**. “You can suffer without painkillers because you weren’t going to tell me about this, but I don’t want it to hurt anymore than it needs to.” 

“Are you _worried_ about me, Danvers?” Lucy cheekily prods. 

Alex sighs. “You know what? I do care,” she throws back carelessly. “I care about you and I love you. We’re all _coming out_ today.” Her sarcastic tone is far from what she actually means. 

It makes Lucy rejoice, but of course, she doesn’t move for fear of Alex’s wrath. “I care about you too,” she returns. The declaration isn’t too impressive, in fact, it seems a bit lame, but there’s a small smile on Alex’s face. “I love you too.” 

The funny thing about admitting it and saying it out loud-- _I love you_ \--is that somehow it feels better and better to say it. Lucy feels so much better saying it to Alex and having Alex reciprocate it. She doesn’t know what more they could say because now the truth is finally out. 

Except, not all of it. With the way Alex holds her breath and tries to put up a strong front, Lucy knows that the subtle crease between her brows means otherwise. Lucy tries her best because she knows letting Alex open up is more important than breaking her walls down. Despite Lucy’s passiveness being the cause of all this, Lucy still want Alex to open up on her own. 

Lucy tries to reach up with her left arm to caress Alex’s forearm as she works on expertly sewing her wound close again. 

Alex feels her touch and her eyes meet Lucy’s briefly before going back to work. She swallows. “I was mad at you, when I really should’ve been mad at myself,” Alex states frankly. 

Lucy tilts her head with intrigue. 

“I blamed you for how _I felt_ about you,” Alex goes on. Her brow starts to furrow with focus as she tries to find the right words. “You made me fall in love with you and want to be with you when I obviously couldn’t be.” 

“Alex…” the sympathy clear in her voice. 

Alex shakes her head. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want you now. It’s just how I felt when I couldn’t understand _how_ I could actually be with you. Ever since Kara came into my life and my father disappeared, everything I thought I'd be had to change. I was no longer this girl that was going to be a doctor, I was the protector of my family. I _am_ the protector of my family.”

Lucy bites her lip before reasoning, “But you’re just one person. Who do you think is supposed to take care of you?”

Alex lets out a shuddering breath before she shrugs. 

Lucy shoots a sympathetic look at Alex. “You’re ridiculous,” Lucy chides gently. She smiles at Alex, who looks confused by her words. “You have a family. More than your mom and Kara. You’ve got J’onn, James, WInn, Susan...you’ve got _me_. We take care of each other.”

Alex blushes at this before ducking her head to keep working. “Yeah...we do,” she agrees softly. “Kara’s been reminding me everyday since she found out about us.”

Lucy raises her eyebrows. She hopes that it doesn’t show in her body other than the hairs that stand on the back of her neck. “Kara knows?”

Alex nods. “...It’s been a long week without you,” she admits. She looks at the wound in Lucy’s shoulder pointedly. “I never know when you’re coming back or where you go. What happens when you go? Why do you have to go? And we never talk about it.”

“I didn’t think that it mattered,” Lucy throws out there casually.

“ _It does to me_.” Lucy stares in surprise at the conviction in Alex's voice. “There’s a lot of things I should’ve told you, a lot of feeling we should’ve talked about, but I shut you out. It was stupid of me to do it but I think I was more scared of this turning out for the worst when I should’ve just tried.” 

Lucy sighs before reaching over to push Alex’s hair behind her ear and cupping her cheek. “It’s not just you, I should’ve tried too.” 

Alex licks her lips as she stares at Lucy’s eyes. Lucy lets her, staring at the way Alex searches for her intention. There’s worry and fear in her eyes and Lucy feels the same even if she feels confident inside. 

“Do you want to try with me?” Alex asks softly, baring her insecurities in her voice. 

It’s a stark difference from how Lucy is used to hearing her. The armored and confident woman that she’s been sleeping with. It takes a moment for Lucy to remember the way that they’ve been together already is only one part of Alex. Just like how she’s always wanted to be more for Alex. 

Lucy leans up and kisses Alex soundly. After a moment, she grunts at the way she presses on her wound. Alex frowns at Lucy and it makes her smile. “I want you, Alex. I want to be with you.”

“This isn’t going to be easy.” Alex almost sounds warning. 

Lucy gives her a hard look. “Why would we ever expect it to be easy?” She laughs at this and Alex does the same before pushing her back down on the stretcher to finish dressing her wound. “I’ve always known you were a handful.”

Alex rolls her eyes. “You say the sweetest things.” 

“I love you,” Lucy says with a bright smile on her face.

Alex blushes again before grumbling, “ _Yeah_. I love you, too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so at the beginning of this story i had half of it written out basically chapters 1-3 and chapter 9 without alex's admission of love at the end and nothing about lucy on missions. i've actually been sitting on this story half written since october 2016 and got busy that i didn't end up writing much for it this is actually the second version and honestly it was supposed to be a lot lighthearted and funny more than angsty but then i got really into it because i started to deconstruct the characters' wants and fears. note: don't go for the fears its what makes angsty stories apparently because honestly, i didn't know whether or not they were actually going to get together because they're both so stubborn
> 
> anyway im glad we've made it all here and i hope that you all enjoy this ending as much as i enjoyed writing this series-even though this is the end of the series (i won't really be doing anymore after this because there are a lot of other things im working on) i do have some scenes kind of like deleted scenes that happened in between What do you want and What are your intentions AS WELL AS (i don't know if any of you have been wondering this) how lucy keeps ending up in Alex's apartment so ill probably post that after i get back from my trip! i look forward to all your yelling and messages it'll warm my damn heart on the beaches of Hawai'i :D :D :D thank you all so much for your support and readership i really appreciate it even though im an awkward turtle that never responds to anyone's comments

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me to finish this in the comments or at nocteverbascio.tumblr.com


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